


The United States of crazy

by Ewq1111



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Aliens, Cowboys & Cowgirls, Dirty Jokes, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Inspired by Real Events, Musical References, Please Don't Hate Me, Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewq1111/pseuds/Ewq1111
Summary: Each State has its own personality and story, and each of them are more dysfunctional than the last. If you thought your Family was crazy, then you haven’t seen America’s. *FYI, this has an OC, just so you know.*
Relationships: America (Hetalia) & Original Character(s), America/Female Russia (Hetalia), America/Russia (Hetalia)
Kudos: 11





	1. Utah

Utah got out of bed to be presented another beautiful morning. God was shining upon his great state with blue skies and sun shines. “Greetings father, thank you for another wonderful morning.” Getting out of bed, he wore his best suit and tie, along with his Book of Mormon. He went outside and looked at God’s great creation, taking a breath of clean air. Brigham Young knew he found the right place for a state.   
  


As Utah took the first step into his land, he noticed something off in the distance. “That’s odd.” It was shiny and metallic looking. He went down and went behind some rocks to see the sculpture. It was a large piece of metal that stood in the rocks. Utah got close to it and knocked on it. It was strange to see this in his home, he never seen this in his place before. He quickly got out his phone to make a few calls.

______  
“So you found this?” America said.

”Yes father, I was on my way to preach the word of Joseph when I noticed this odd thing in my door step. Xander, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Nevada examine the large monolith.   
  


“You sure this wasn’t here before?” Arizona said.

”No! I take care of my park very much. This wasn’t here yesterday or the day before.”

”It doesn’t have any writing or tracks at all.” Xander said. 

”So it fell from the sky?”

”Mmrmfff mrfmf mfmfmf.” Colorado said.

”I don’t think the president put this here?” Utah answered.

”Well, this is a cool and all but we still don’t know what is it?” America said.

”Three possibilities it could be. One, it could be a alien piece, two it could be a structure from a lost civilization, or three, it’s a modern art piece some ass dumped here.” New Mexico stated.

“It looks like no one moved it. There would’ve been tracks if that happened.” Xander said.

”Well, they could’ve used a helicopter.”

”I would’ve heard something last night if that happened.”

”Man, I never get to have fun with my theories.” New Mexico pouted.

”Well, whatever it is, we can agree that’s it’s boring. “

”Should I call someone?” Utah asked.

”I guess. Maybe the police know something like this. Or Tony!” He picked up his phone and started to call Tony but nothing. No answer.

”Huh, it’s not like Tony will have it go to voicemail like that...oh well, who’s hungry?!”

———-

Earlier in the night, Tony was driving his UFO across the desert to prank some people. As her was driving, he got a text from his phone, he picked it up and saw the message. It was from America and it was a clip of the Bratz dancing to Roman holiday. Tony liked it, before he could type he saw the rock he was heading towards. His screamed and was able to drive out before he crashed. Not before the rock scraping his engine and knocking out a metallic piece.

Tony spend the night and day looking for the damn part before Alfred finds out he crashed another UFO.

He located the piece but it was converted by park rangers and news team. It was too crowded so he left.

When everyone left, he got the said part and got out of there. Utah got up the next morning and found the monolith gone. The same group arrived and were bewildered to find it missing.

”So it was gone? Just like that?” Xander said.

”Yes! I don’t know how moved it?”

”You sure it wasn’t you?” New Mexico said.

”Wh-why would I called you guys here if I moved it?”

”Who knows, maybe you developed sleep walking?”

”Mrmmr ffmrm mrrff.” Colorado said.

”I don’t think a hobo dragged it.”

”It’s just disappeared, away from the face of the world like that. But what was it?” Arizona said.

”The world may never know.” America said. “Okay, who hungry?!”

Tony was able to get the part back. He was lucky not to have been caught. The muffler was still in good condition after he got it back. He laughed at how he was able to sneak past Alfred and not get caught. He launched hyper speed and left, before chuckling. “Nothing bad ever happens to aliens!” Right before he crashed into a rock in Europe.

———

Romania got out of bed and found a mystery monolith in his yard. As he sipped his coffee, he spoke “Darn kids.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the monolith story is actually real. It’s was located in Utah but then it disappeared overnight. A new one was found in Romania not long after. https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/US/monolith-discovered-utah-desert-mysteriously-disappears-overnight/story%3fid=74465679


	2. California

California, America’s playground, is a rich successful state. With a GDP of that of UK’s and technologically advanced, she is famous for a lot of things. Half of them aren’t for the right reasons.

When she entered the house, everyone were already eating and conversing. They then stopped when they saw California entered. America looked up and said “Selina? A-are you okay?”

”Yeah dad I’m fine.” Cali said.

”You sure?” Xander said.

”Yeah.” Everyone saw California engulfed in flame but it didn’t bother her at all. “It’s a little fire that’s all but I’ll survive.” She took a seat and started to eat.   
  
“Does it hurt?” Georgia asked.

”A little, but I’m used to it.” She took a bite out of her pancakes. Just then, the flowers in front of her got on fire. Texas got a fire extinguisher and sprayed it.

“Don’t worry everyone, this is California. She can survive a terrible government, horrible health services, and even terrible movies.” Texas said.

”Oh ha ha.” California mocked. “Say, how’s your racist legislative?”

”Not as bad and corrupts as yours.”

”Oh right, I’m sorry. I’m too busy having a large economy and not buying all my stuff from Walmart.”

”That doesn’t stop your people from moving to my state. Maybe tell pelosi to clean up San Fran and they’ll come back.”

”Yeah well-“

”Enough!” America yelled. “Look, can we have one breakfast when we don’t fight? And I’m sorry California we got to kick you out, you’re lighting everything on fire!” Cali turned around and saw the chair and curtains on fire. 

“Look! It’s nothing wrong with me!” Cali’s flame grew larger the more she shouted. “I can deal with this! I have the largest economy in the world, sure I have a homeless problem but who doesn’t? I have Silicon Valley in my hand, I Napa valley in my heart, and I have LA in my -“ She was cutoff when Texas sprayed the extinguisher on her. She saw everything around her on fire and groaned. “Texas, can I live with you for a bit?”


	3. Wyoming

Wyoming is a fun loving state that appreciates the finest things in life; Guns, freedom, and boobs. Despite having the most gun registration, Wyoming has the lowest crime rate in the country that even California is jealous. Wyoming is a person of refined taste that loves his girlfriend, Alberta. However, he doesn’t know what anime is.

”WHAT?!?” The west states all shouted.

“I just don’t know what it is.” Wyoming said.

”How do you not know?!” Arizona shouted. “I mean, Utah knows and he’s fucking Mormon!”

”Technically,” Utah said. “I watch a movie where Jesus and Buddha are best friends and live in a apartment together.”

”See!” 

“I still don’t know what it is?”

“I can explain.” California cut in. “Anime is just Japanese animation that is a little more popular than western animation.”

“Thanks Holly Hindsight.” Arizona said.

”So if anima is Japanese anime, why should I care?”

”Because you’ll like a lot of the anime that is pumped out.” Arizona said. “They have what you like, guns, freedom, zombies, and babes. Lots and lots of babes.”

”Really?” Wisconsin blushed.”

”Yup.” He then gave him a dvd pack of series.

”I think that these are to your liking.” Then they gang left, Wyoming looked at the pack and grabbed a dvd.

”Okay, I’ll start with this one. High school of the dead...” 

—————

The west coast gang arrived at Wyoming’s home. “Wyoming?” Utah knocked; no answer. Nevada barged into the door and landed on a pile of ramen noodles and cans.

The gang trudged through the garbage till they found the man. “W-Wyoming?” Arizona said.

”Out now, or I’ll get my gun.” He said in a monotone voice.” 

“Wyoming? What are you doing?” California said. “It’s been 10 days already, I think we should take a walk.”

”Later! After this episode.” Oregon went up to him and saw him. Wyoming’s eyes were red and had yellow gunk, his hair dry and unkept, and his teeth were yellow and green.

“Oh no!” Oregon stood up. “He’s an otaku!”

”Damn it Arizona!” California said. “What did I tell you? Start off with the simple anime!”

”Excuse me for wanting him to be a man of culture.”

”Guys enough!” Utah cut in, “We need to work together to help out Wyoming!”

”But how?” A loud surp cut them up. Washington sip from his coffee as he looked at the gang.

”Washington is right.” Utah said. “We need to introduce him to the things he loves.” Utah went and grabbed a US flag. “Wyoming! I’m gonna burn the flag if you don’t stop me.”

”Don’t worry, I got sales.” Wyoming answered.

”What?” Arizona went inside and grabbed an AK. 

“Hey Wyoming! I’m pointing the gun at people!” 

“Hey!” Cali yelled.

”Watch it!” Utah said. Still nothing, Nevada went ahead and grabbed the portrait of Alberta. 

“Hey buddy! I’m gonna lick your girlfriend’s hot tits!”

”Gross.” Cali said. Wyoming didn’t move an inch. “This isn’t working.” She looked at the portrait. “We’re gonna need to bring the big guns.”

————-

The gang waited and saw the door opened up, Alberta said. “Don’t worry, I seen this before with Quebec. But don’t worry, I think know how to fix him.”

”Oh thank you so much Alberta.” California announced. “How can we repay you?”

”Give me and hour, and a bottle of red wine, eh.” She then closed the door and went to work.

*Three hours later...*

The gang stood outside, Utah was praying that everything was alright, Oregon and Cali were using their phones, Nevada and Arizona were playing poker, Utah was tending the garden, and Washington was drinking his coffee. “How long do we have to be like this? It’s been three hours already!” Cali shouted.

”Give her time Selina.” Utah said. “I know it can be stressful-“

”It’s been almost three hours, how long is it gonna take her to-“ Then, the door opened up. The gang saw as their buddy Wyoming stepped out, chewing on a tooth pick, and wearing a red robe while carrying a shotgun, he said. “I’m back, baby.” 

The gang cheered as their brother went back to his normal self. Nevada hugged him. “Oh man! It’s so good that you’re back.”

”Yup, feels good too.”

“Hey buddy.” Arizona guilty said. “I’m sorry that I got you introduced to-“

”Hey, hey. Don’t sweat it ‘Zona. I actually like the shows.”

”Really?” They all said.

”Yeah, Alberta just showed me there are better things in life and how I need to take them in small bites. Or else I lose all sense of reality.”

”Well,” Utah said. “We’re glad that Alberta was able to get you back to your senses. By the by, where is she?”

”Oh sees polishing my guns, now guys, I have to go back now. There’s still five days left that I need to make up to her.” He winked and went back to his home.”

”Gross.” California said. “Hey wait! He still has the dvd sets!”

”Oh, I don’t need them back.” Arizona said. “They weren’t even mine at all. In fact I don’t even know who they belonged to in the first place.”

~~~~~~  
”Where the hell are my anime’s?!” Xander screamed in his room.


End file.
